Handsome Donkey » Uncategorized

Greece To Civilization: “We Brought You Into This World, And Dammit We Can Take You Out!”

adamcountee — Fri, 07 May 2010 02:32:11 +0000

Enraged rioters in Greece caused significant damage and destruction throughout the capital city of Athens by staging large, violent demonstrations and hurling bottles, glass and rocks at the Parliament building. Making matters worse, it took police several hours to control the chaos because everyone thought the commotion was just a big fat wedding.

On This Day In History…

adamcountee — Wed, 05 May 2010 19:44:47 +0000

It was on this date, May 5, in the year 1996 that American armed forces, under the leadership of President Thomas J. Whitmore, successfully repelled an alien invasion by launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. On that day, Cinco De Mayo became a global holiday.

ERRORS AND OMISSIONS: Our researchers at Handsome Donkey have issued a correction that this event actually took place on July 4 — the American Independence Day. Whatever. Fuck off.

Europe Expected To Bailout “Grease”

adamcountee — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 19:11:00 +0000

The IMF and European Union are expected to announce plans for a $135 Billion bailout of the popular musical. Nice going, Danny Zuko!

How Much for a Dance?

gilcosby — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 16:32:29 +0000

Thanks to the Huffington Post for dusting off this classic quilting volume.

Obama Plans NASA Mission To Mars

adamcountee — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 17:16:31 +0000

Last week, the President gave a speech at Kennedy Space Center to unveil his ambitious new plans for NASA, which could include a manned mission to Mars. A spokesman for the Red Planet who identified himself only as Marvin, called the President’s plan “Ver-ry int-er-esting…” and said he looked forward to welcoming visitors from “our puny planet.” He then laughed creepily, pulled out a ray gun, and vaporized several members of the press corps.

Elena Kagan’s Most Controversial Briefs Released

gilcosby — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 16:02:24 +0000

Dear President Obama,

adamcountee — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 22:45:25 +0000

Not many people realize that of the four founding members of Handsome Donkey, almost 50% of us hold law degrees. Given our vast expertise in the field, Mr. President, we would urge you to consider our short list of judicial nominees to fill Justice John Paul Stevens’s seat on the highest court in the land. We feel the nominees on this list will complement the already established personalities of the court, like John Roberts’s spineless bowing to corporate interests or Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s alleged insatiable sexual appetites (we hear she was the first justice to have a stripper pole in the chamber since Oliver Wendell Holmes.)

Thank you, Mr. President, and good luck with the appointments!

-HD.

Judge Joe Brown

Judge Dredd

The Honorable Judge Reinhold

Judge Doom (on second thought, this may be a terrible idea)

Chief Justice Roberts Looked at Elena Kagan’s Briefs

gilcosby — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 16:02:10 +0000

FROM YESTERDAY’S NEW YORK TIMES: Chief Justice John Roberts told Solicitor General Elena Kagan, in open court no less, “I looked at your briefs.” Witnesses in the courtroom said that the comment came after Ms. Kagan had bent down to pick up her highlighter.
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UPDATED: Apparently Chief Justice Roberts was referring to some “legal briefs” filed by Ms. Kagan on behalf of the U.S. Government. Thanks for pointing out our error “resipsa33.” Apologies for any confusion.

Sunday NFL Countdown… it’s a Laugh Riot!

gilcosby — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 01:09:23 +0000

This is the best take on Sunday morning NFL pre-game… thanks to Bill Simmons circa 2007. Football season can’t start soon enough.

Sen. McConnell a.k.a. “Your Grumpy Neighbor”

gilcosby — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 21:57:26 +0000

Mitch McConnell seems like he’s about to yell “STAY OUTTA MY YARD!”
or “YOUR DOG RUINED MY PRIZED PETUNIAS!” — I’m sorry Mr. McConnell. It was only an accident. Just please don’t tell my parents.
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