Handsome Donkey

Team USA pulled off a stunning upset over Canada tonight when the U.S. men’s hockey team defeated the favored Canada by a score of 5-3. The win is being touted as sweet revenge for Canada’s military victory over the Continental Army in the Battle of Quebec during the American Revolution in 1775. “Ever since that battle, Canadians have been so cocky and acted all superior to us… like ‘hey look at us, we’re so great’”, said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. For almost 300 years, Canadians have pushed around the U.S. and gloated about how Quebec’s provincial governor General Guy Carleton successfully repelled an invasion by the American Brigadier General Richard Montgomery. It was a crushing defeat that the U.S. never really recovered from militarily or psychologically. Finally after tonight Americans can hold their heads high and slough off the shame of losing that completely insignificant and forgettable battle. Team USA Captain Jamie Langenbrunner said through his joyful tears, “I just hope that now my kids won’t have to grow up living in fear of Canada anymore like we all had to. Maybe now those guys will stop being such jerks to us. The Great White Dragon his finally been slain.”