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In a shocking press conference earlier today, the Treasury Department announced its plans to ratchet up the previous administration’s poorly conceived and ineffectively executed Troubled Assets Relief Program, or T.A.R.P. The new initiative has been dubbed the Troubled Asset Robotic Predator, and is programmed to stabilize the nation’s foundering financial institutions using Cold War era pseudo-science to eradicate toxic mortgage-backed securities. The $800 billion dollar robot is equipped with a death ray and is authorized to punish avaricious and unscrupulous Wall Street CEOs with its terrifying, yet non-lethal “stun” setting. Federal Reserve insiders say T.A.R.P. 3000 is also expected to curb inflation by vaporizing stacks of money.

Today’s unveiling took place in what critics have called an “overly dramatic fashion” when Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced somewhat menacingly to the press corps, “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you … T.A.R.P!” He then pulled a white sheet from what appeared to be a crudely assembled pile of metal and rubber tubing. Within seconds T.A.R.P. 3000′s eyes illuminated, at which point the robot became fully activated and subsequently lumbered through a brick wall. When questioned about T.A.R.P. 3000, a senior Treasury spokesman speaking on condition of anonymity, called the quasi-humanoid robot, “pretty fuckin’ cool.”